We

Am I so incapable of loving, that each time I find a new love- I can’t love?
Always in need of a place and time to connect with them_
Because I want to connect stars, spread my limbs across planets-save the love, preserve it forever.
I don’t know what it means for someone else to love- to love you- I have no clue what that looks like. I imagine that for me -specifically- it would look like a sunflower blooming each day anew- stretching out ~ completely delivering itself to the warmth of the sun- following its course – drawing trajectories in the open air…bending in new ways.. All for the light. Following the sun even in its absence… Pointing to a spot in space through the ground where it would most likely hide in the nighttime.
I imagine that if I could love you -ever- it would finally be with all of me. I don’t know how, but I’d start with embracing the relief- knowing I could love you in the first place.
There’s a certain load that comes with a self- actualised realisation- the responsibility to accept the truth- to step out of the lie- come out from behind that wall.
And comes a humility with realising that my thoughts of you were more superficial than I had imagined…a truth- apparent from introductory phase- lingered in every conversation, settled on me today. An apology in the new way I’m forced to look at you here on in, if I can…
Space and time , do they ever coincide? Will they ever, for me and you? Or should I never have foresight, logically consider,
the facts that limit the future to a ball of nothings smudged by unreal moments where passion was fuelled by the anger of knowing.
Nights I reconsider with each passing day.
If with all these beautiful people who’ve amounted to empty unfulfilled desires and dreams, nothing was the fate…
then could I maybe not have crossed paths- not shared auras-
not exchanged heart thumps and could those moments at the very least-
could they perhaps not have raced in the sensory trails of my back when things were said in hushed tones-
moments of rushing anguish…
could we not erase the sparks that flew? -if they ever flew?
And could it end- this affection that feels death looming, could it just end here so the pain isn’t saved for a later time- having accumulated all sorts of memories, attachments, side notes- this bond surely must not have been to hurt us… Suppose it was…what lesson would be learnt? When did life complicate? Roll itself into a grotesque blob of unpleasantness, dressed in all kinds of unkind fuckery___
…so what of us now that i live in reality, Do we revert to fake things facading the front of uncomfortable friendships where lust…
Things hide in nervous chuckles at dry jokes in cafeterias and rainy nights when the air is warm and inviting…
I thought that we’d stargaze together…camp in the dark the both of us- on the dampness- love under the cosmos- touch in silence….
lose ourselves….
in each other-
the same way I lost myself in the chaos, back when I was naive, thinking love was a thing to be trusted… to morph on its own…wanting it for me and you- but only this time everything would be ok…
We’d stargaze… love stronger than pride..and we..stronger than love.